Testimony

My name is Sarah and I am a Grateful believer in Jesus Christ! I have victory over ecstasy, and I struggle with Co-Dependency, Gluttony, and Identity Issues. I am also the adult child of not one, but two addicts.

I was born here in Atlanta, the youngest of three children. My parents divorced when I was 4 years old, and we moved to Woodstock with my mother. Over the next few years my father would get us over the summers and we would go to his church; he had become a minister after he divorced my mother. I do not remember a lot from those visits, except a lot of anger from my father.

I can remember that my parents put us in the middle of all of their fights. From child support to visitation our parents made us make choices that no child should be involved in. Eventually my father became too bitter about having to go to jail for non-payment, and stopped coming around because he blamed us.

My mother was diagnosed with Fibromayalgia and Rheumatoid Arthritis in the early
90’s, and had to stop working, she was placed on muscle relaxers and Pain Medication. I’m not sure what she took at that point, but a few years later she was placed on Oxycontin and eventually she became addicted. My mom didn’t take us to church, but occasionally we would go with cousins or friends. I started attending a small Baptist church with my friend and I was Saved when I was 13 or 14. In the next few years, I would only start to 'notice' my Mom's addiction.

Then when I was 15 I got my first kidney stone. It was at this point that I started to see what was really ailing my mother, because when she gave me my pain medication, I noticed that half of the bottle was missing. She excused it as a pharmacy error, but I knew instantly that my mother had a real problem, but at 15 what was I suppose to do about it?

So, I started pouring myself into friendships and school. I did what I could to stay away from my house and all the issues there. I ‘fell in love’ too easily and pushed a lot of friends and boyfriends away because of trust issues.

In the summer before my Senior year I started drifting from reality. I was Smoking – marijuana and cigarettes, and started using ecstasy, but more than that I was drifting from God. I moved out of my house twice, only to move back in, but it didn’t matter, my Mom was too caught up in her own addiction to notice anything that I was doing. I somehow managed to skate through school.

In December 1999, I met Ben. He was charming and funny, and totally not what I wanted, but he persisted and eventually I fell in love with him. I graduated, and the next year Ben and I moved in together.

I hit my bottom with ecstasy when I found myself sitting on the floor of a drug dealer’s house, counting out pills. The fact that I was also using every weekend made it pretty clear I had gone too far.
So by the grace of God I stopped using and begged my friends to stop as well, but they wouldn’t, so I stopped speaking with them.

I surrounded myself with Ben and all he was, and so I adopted his friends too. I started a great job, which has lasted me 8 years, and Ben was clinging to my coattail. Over the next few years we discussed church and family and decided we would eventually want both in our lives, so we got married on Leap Day 2004. I was more than excited to finally start my family, and have a child. But, I waited because of him. I would have had children as soon as I got married, but he wasn’t ready.

So, 2 years later he finally we agreed we were ready…though I still knew he was not entirely ready, but it is what we truly wanted. My thought was - Nothing makes you entirely ready until they are here anyway, right?
I got pregnant in March 2006, but something wasn’t right. My hormones weren’t at the right levels. I knew what was happening, but was holding on so tight to hope. Finally, I prayed for God to do what he wanted – what he had planned….I gave Him control for the first time in a long time. Unfortunately, I had a miscarriage, but that is also when I started to feel God’s presence again. God started to bring me back to Him, and in late 2006 my sister invited me to Revolution. My brother, who I hadn’t been close to in many years, was excited about this church, and the difference that it was making!

I found out I was pregnant again in February 2007, and was baptized on Memorial Day, with my sister, and my nephew. After 2 kidney stones, and 2 months of bed rest, finally, Zoe was here September 22nd. She is amazing and I loved being a mother instantly.

I started to pour my heart into Zoe, and Revolution, and I started serving in the Baby room each week, and met what would become my new family. Karen, Kevin, Tory, and Andrea were there every week showing me Strength, Courage, Support and Love through Christ. And my brother, sister and I were rebuilding our relationships.

In building these new relationships, I started to realize how damaged the other relationships in my life were. And how truly co-dependent I had become. In the first half of 2008 I watched my mother overdose several times after my grandmother had been diagnosed with Breast Cancer. It got so bad that she also had multiple heart attacks. We had also learned that over the last few years, my father had lost everything: from his ministry, to his 3rd marriage; he had become addicted to crack and had been in and out of jail.

I also came to the realization that my relationship with my husband was gone. The reality was that he was addicted - to alcohol, pot, and pornography. It was a constant struggle in our marriage and something I always tried to control and change. We had become roommates: we were not intimate, and we were barely even talking to each other. He had been co-dependent on me as well, but I had quit my job taking care of all his hurts, habits, and hand-ups since I had Zoe. God was letting me see that this was not normal in any way, and I decided that I wasn’t going to take care of 2 children anymore.

My breaking point came one night when he smoked in the bathroom connecting to Zoe’s room; he wasn’t suppose to have anything in the house anymore.
So, I gained the strength to confront him about all our issues and that this was not healthy in any way for any of us. I listed out points in our marriage that were my biggest concern then I asked him if he wanted to try to save our marriage and rebuild what we had lost.

We had a long discussion, agreeing that we had stopped truly loving each other, but in the end he chose not to fight. So, we separated and I went on with my life, I was lost, but comfortably numb. I had become Ben’s wife, and had lost my own identity in the process. So, I turned and put all that focus on Christ, and I would give Ben time to make changes. I continued to pray for Ben and clung to this verse.


Ephesians 5:25-29
25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church

Ben didn’t love himself and therefore couldn’t love me the way he should.
So, the rest of 2008 was about boundaries and forgiveness for me, with Ben, my mother, and my father. All struggling with their addictions, I had to remove myself from trying to change them and attempting to make them see how they were hurting themselves and everyone around them. I needed to concentrate on me for once in my life.

2009 hit me hard, but structured my Faith in every way possible.

In January, I watched Karen and Kevin Newman in awe of just how powerful it is to see how God can work through tragedy. Their daughter Reagan went home to be with God. It humbled me and taught me just how precious this life is and how dedicated I need to be; to God, Zoe, and everything else that may seem trivial in my life. His purpose in that was to bring others closer to Him, and I am proof of that. And whether this is your 1st or 51st time at Celebrate Recovery, your life will be touched by the strongest parents I know, who show their faith no matter what challenge they face.

I then attended Unleash in March at NewSpring Church, and their pastor, Perry asked everyone to think about the time that they were Saved and committed their life to Christ. I became aware that I had never actually committed my life, so I prayed and I felt the same push from God that I had when I was Saved. I decided to give God my all.

In August I finalized my divorce, giving up the hope that Ben would change for me. He had stopped smoking pot, but his drinking continued.

I started at Celecrate Recovery, and it has taught me that I can use my screwed up self to change and grow through Christ, and that I’m worth it! I currently celebrate 5 years of Victory with ecstasy. I am also in a Step Studies group, and truly feel growth mentally and spiritually. I continue on my Road to Recovery with Co-Dependency and all the other issues I have faced in letting go of the old me to find the new me.

My Favorite verse - Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.


I trust that one day the people I have put up boundaries with can come to know God the way that I have. I continue to pray for everyone in my past and continue to grow in my forgiveness with them.

My father is still out of my life for now; his boundary is to be six months clean, and ready to make amends.

My mother is doing as well as can be expected, since she still refuses to seek treatment or a recovery program. My biggest hope for her is that one day she will make strides to be in her grandchildren’s lives more than she is now.

I take it one day at a time with Ben; we do get along better now, because Zoe is out one common focus. I can only hope and pray that one day he will change for himself and his daughter.

Even though I have lost who I had become I can sit here today and say that:
I am a Christ-follower, a dedicated mother, an awesome sister, a wonderful Aunt, and that I am now part of a loving family. I can also say that I am part of an amazing movement of God, and that is enough for me, I can now build who I am supposed to be – my new identity.